I have a lot on my mind today so I am about to unload. Consider yourself warned!
First and foremost, Him. I got my newest book in the mail today! The one that the mail man handed to me as I irritatingly thought how rude of him to make me come back down off my porch that I had just walked up on to because I was in a hurry and he was being lazy. (I know, I am really the rude one.) Anyway, back to Him. So I open my package and there is my book. Crazy Love is so exciting. It captures the very essence of my heart. The way I feel about Jesus. I am so excited to read this book. I will be posting about it more in the future. So as I walked the couple of blocks to the bus stop today I read a few pages and it was on my mind the rest of the day. Made my mood better, which I need all the help I can get, especially when I have to open at work. blah. Getting this book today had me thinking (a little more than usual) about how Awesome our God is. His love is so BIG. It amazes me daily how really incomprehensible it all is. Oh I could go on and on. I am just overjoyed at what God has done in my life and I look forward to each day I walk with Him.
Next on my list is something that has been making my heart heavy this week. It is the source of my stress. Mothering. All this new blogging stuff has inspired me to be the best Mom that I can POSSIBLY be and has also made me realize just how much room for improvement there is. I am working on it. Not crying that is. For me life is full of lessons to be learned. This is one of them. I know that I can not do it all but I also know what I am capable of doing and I am not doing it. I need to push myself (thanks Mary). I have been giving up too easily lately and using work as an excuse. My home has suffered so much lately because all of my free time has gone into the things that free my mind from the stress that builds up in daily life. It is time for me to get my priorities straight. Yes. Blogging is a priority, for example, but it’s not my first priority. It’s not my second, or even my fourth or fifth. Lately though, things that are less than a priority have come before the things that are my priorities. This has led to me being s-t-r-e-s-s-e-d OUT! So, I am glad I have had this realization. Now I know exactly what it is I need to do to conquer this stress mountain and I have also learned a thing or two. That makes me happy!
Next, this big gigantic hill of a thing that is coming up o so soon! THE MOVE. I have so much to look forward to (see future post) when I move to SC. There is a list a mile long of the things I cannot wait to experience and some things that I believe will be overwhelmingly joyful to have that I have gone without for a while. There is a list about 1/2 as long of things that I am going to miss having here in PA. Even though the list is only 1/2 as long, emotionally it is close to the same. Why is it the sadness always seems bigger than happiness to me? Not to mention packing. I have plans to rid of most of my junk knowing that I will always acquire more. My mind is constantly consumed. I think about plans for the near future and the distant future. Plans for my children, plans for my spiritual life, plans for my home, plans for my relationships… and the list goes on. Daily I have to give these things to God. This is what happens when I forget to do that. I get overwhelmed. I love insight. Thank you God for giving me some of that.
I have also been thinking about living my best life. I have goals for the future but I am not sure that I have them set. This is something that I have been thinking about the past few days. I need goals. Set goals. Not that they cannot change but I need them to be more than thoughts. See, I work like that. If I do not have things to work towards than I get lost in the daily shuffle of work and home and taking care of kids and woe is me and why did it have to be this way. Then I get depressed and then I don’t have any energy and so I don’t keep up with housework and mommy work and it all just snow balls. Having something to keep my mind focused on gives me the motivation I need to keep going; to do all that needs to be done. So I have to work on that too. Daily.
I think about all that I have written above and I cannot help but feel grateful. Grateful that this is the worst there is. I have been in a much darker place in my life and God has been so merciful. I am alive more than ever before. Feeling these emotions that were once stuffed to the bottom of my being with drug use and sleep is a good thing. I want to feel. I want to deal. I want to be open about it and know that it’s ok. God is in control and all I have to do is give it all to Him. I lift up His Holy name and He takes it all. He takes it all and leaves me feeling new and whole. Nurtured and whole. Loved and whole. Full of joy, happiness, and faith. That is an AWESOME God. I am so blessed.